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Hotaru

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April 24th, 2005

SSDD

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I've finnaly stood my ground. Jay and I broke up officialy. Last Sunday I tried talking about the future of our relationship, and he would have none of it. I was so stupid to believe that maybe, just maybe he would marry me. It was all a lie just to keep me around until the next best thing came along. I asked him why he doesn't want to get married, his answer, "You'r the only woman I've ever been with." Typical. And the upsetting part was he showed no remorse. I told him that either he commits to me or we brake up. He asked me for more time. Then he goes off and tells me "You think with in 4yrs I would feel something." I was so stupid. And the most fucked up part was that I told him if he asked me at the moment to go and get married, I would. No questions asked. He could never say the same thing. He asked me why I stayed with him if I knew how he felt, my answer... "Maybe if I was patient enough, he would realize if I was the one for him." I guess I wasn't. I feel so stupid to hang on, and I can't help but hear Pat Benetar's "We Belong" in the back of my mind. My mom says that if he really loves me, he'll come back in two months. I doubt it. I'm so confused, and all the while I wish I never opend Pandora's box. But I'm hanging on hope. Hope that he'll come back. Hope that he'll say he loves me. Hope that he'll want to marry me. God dammit, I love him so much and it's killing me inside. You think that I would have cried enough, but I can't stop. I wish I didn't tell him to go. I wish I didn't tell him to leave. I want him home so bad, it hurts. I haven't been able to eat or sleep since he's left. I can't even sleep in our bed without crying. I know it was for the best, he was probably never really going to marry me. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Why didn't he want to marry me? Why did he stay with me so long if wasn't going to marry me? What am I doing wrong? I'm so scared that he'll never come back. My mom says that I should talk to God. I haven't done that in years. What makes me think he'll listen. I keep telling myself that I date this person or that person, but when I stop and really think about it. I don't want anyone else. I want Jay. I was just so tired of being made a fool. One thing if I had a ring, but I didn't even have that. It's depressing when you have people asking you when your going to get married. Especialy when you see people who have been together for two years and the get married, it makes you wonder, "What am I doing wrong?"

December 19th, 2004

Ranting and Raving

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Nae saian luume'
There's nothing that I can write that varies much from the last entry. And Jay and I, a never ending battle to get him to settle down. I always seems near the holidays that I come to my senses and realize when is he ever going to commit. This year, I decided to not bring up the subject. I do have to admit, we haven't really gotten into any serious arguments ::as I knock on wood:: We have a dog now, of course, against Jay's wishes. But ask me if I care :) Her name is Jasmine and she's spoiled as hell. As for everything else, it seems to be fine.
As for my little sister Jessica, I rember writing about her pregnacy, but I'm not sure I did now that I think about it. But any ways. She had a girl, and I'm worried about her. My neise, right (did I spell that right?), is beautiful. Her name is Nevaeh, it's Heaven spelt backwords. I just wish the best for her but I'm scared that she's going to have a nuclear melt down. I'm never having kids. I have to get my computer running again, I'm using someone elses and it annoying, I'm tired

July 13th, 2004

(no subject)

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I never seem to be happy when I write in my journal. Jay and I got into a huge fight and he broke up with me. I guess it was the last straw. About three weeks ago he wrecked my car. So it's been un-drivable since then. This morning I had asked him to take me to worked, he told me to take the car, and I asked him how he was getting to work, he said don't worry about it. Low and behold, dumbass took my car. I got home pissed off and I yelled at him. He couldn't understand why I was mad, go figure. I tried to state my case and he just got made and said it was over. He couldn't take the arguing anymore. It was bound to happen. I love him and I miss like hell already. But I'm glad he broke up with me, because I couldn't do it. I wanted to make the relationship work, but it was never meant to last. I didn't want to loose him, but I want tobe happy, and I was't happy. He wasn't planning to make a commitment. I'm tired.....

June 26th, 2004

(no subject)

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I swear, this has to be the worst year for me. I don't even know where to start. There has been so much death around me, that I afraid of what's next. First it was my Grandfather, who by the way is doing much better, but he gave us a hel of a scare. He suffered a serious stroke and they thought that he wouldn't make it, but he did. Then there was my 2nd Grandmother, while my mother was with my grandfather, she found out that only three days earlier she had passed away. That was devistating. Then, my father's co-worker's daughter, died in a car acciendent. I grew up seeing her, but never really knew her. Her viewing was more like a celebration than a morning. Then, only five day's later, we get a call that a very close friend of the family died. Lupe, Juana's daughter, died on the way coming back from Jacksonville on a YMCA van. It was devistating to see her mother in tears. It was only a month and a half ago she was with us easter, playing in anual egg fight. She was the most brightest girl for age. She was so full of love and energy. I like to think that God needed her for a very special job, but it's hard to think that such a bright and lovable girl's life would end so shortly. Thankfully her brother was ok, but he doesn't get that he'll never see her sister again.
But, just when you think that it's all over, he put another test right in front of you. Ann, my godmother since I was 14, she was wild and crazy. My mother and her were best of friends for 9 yrs. It was like she was family. Yesterday, just like anyother day, we were on our way home from work, when my other Godmother, Michelle, called us to see what we were doing. We told her we were going to go grocery shopping, and mom asked what was up. She told us that she heard from third mouth that my Ann was hit by a car and was in a hospital in a coma. We didn't want to believe it so we made a u-turn and hauled ass to Ann's house, to make sure it wasn't true. We got there and banged on the door. No one answered. We then knocked on the neighbors door who told us our worst fears, that she was in the hospital and that she wasn't gonna make it. I felt like I wanted to throw up. My mother then get a call from Michelle, I knew that there was something teribbly wrong when my mother started crying. I knew and scared to hear what she was going to say. She was telling us that she was at Saint Mary's and that she was on a machine, and they were cutting her off at 7:00pm. It was 6:50pm. We were on Forest Hill on our way, the whole way I was just hoping and praying this was on bad dream. I was also hoping that we would make in time to say goodbye. We got there and found out that they were delaying the machines to find out if she was a organ donor. While waiting they let us see her. If I knew that I wouldn't be able to wash the vision from my sight, I don't think I would have went in. I saw her with all these tube going in her mouth and in her arms and legs, and still couldn't belive that this was happening. I broke down in tears and had to walk out because I nearly threw up. A couple minutes later I went back in. I held her lifeless hand and prayed that she waould come back. But I knew it was to late. The docters had already pronounced her clinicly dead at 6:00pm, when two different docters did test's on her brain. They found no brain activity. She was brain dead. All I could do was touch her hand knowing that she was gone and it was killing me. But in the back of mind I knew that she was happy and with her dad and son. I'm still tring to believe that. We stayed with her as long as we could when the docter came in to tell us that organ team was here. We knew that was our time to go. We wanted to be there when the machine was turned off, but they said it wouldn't happen for another four hours because of the operation. I touched her head and hand for the last time. I still can't believe she's gone. But we knew through her misfortune, she would save someone else's life. With left the hospital, only with the memories that she gave us. I don't remember what time I went to bed. I wish that this was all one bad dream, but then when it hit's me I start to cry. What bother's me is how she died and how she was found. Sketter belives that there was foul play, so do I and my mom... but because there is a investigation, there's not much I can say about that. All I know is that my Godmother's death was more than an accedent, and the son of bitch that did this is going to pay.
Through all this, I still remember peices of the poem I wrote her when her son Jeremy died.... I've revised a piece and I didicate this to her...

"Please don't cry, wipe away the tears
shine away the saddness, hide away the fears.
Saddness and sorrow, death in it's own way.
I'm finnaly with my angel in heaven today."

June 10th, 2004

Progress?

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You ever get the feeling that there's someone out there hoping that you'll never be happy... I feel like that today. I finnaly told Jay that I can't live like this knowing the way that I feel. Reality gave a real goo kick in the ass. Jay never planed to get married, and I just can't stay with him. It hurt like hell but I have to start thinking about me and what I want for myself. I fell like I've been walking on eggshells dating Jay. That's exactly what I've been doing, "Dating Jay." I'm tired of dating Jay. You know, he had the nerve to tell me that all I wanted to do was get married, little prick. If that was the damn case as soo as I knew that he didn't want to get married my ass would have been gone. Little fucker. I'm tired of the bull shit. And the sad part is, I may not stick to my guns. I don't want to be taken as joke to him. My mother gave me some words of advise, she told me that I should sit down and have lunch with Jay's mom and ask her advise about Jay. Who better than his mother to really know him, maybe I don't understand him (although I don't see I how I don't), but maybe she'll she can tell me if it's ever gonna work. Not to mention, she can better understand me and see just how much I love her son. I love Jay, but I want more, does that seem to selfesh? I don't want to be knocked up for him to even consider marriage.

June 3rd, 2004

Feeling Enraged

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Do you ever get those times when you wanna stop and beat the shit out of someone.... I swear, life just loves to fuck with me. My little sister needs to get the shit beat out of her. Spoiled rotton and look at her, knocked up and fucking who knows. Her so called boyfriend is to blame, bumass single crackhead who already has two of his own. Then I find out, my sister is stripping compliments of bumass. I'll tell you one thing, forgive me for saying this, but all I can invision is his head being slammed against a rock. I know I shouldn't be talking like this, but he's the main reason she's the way she is. She's so stupid, she thinks she's in love and he's going to be there for her. Fucker already has two of his own kids, what the hell makes you think that he's gonna stop and take care of her? God forgive me, but I wanna kill the son of bitch. Someone needs to talk some sense into her, cause she sure as hell is not listing to me. I wanna protect her, but how can you protect someone that doesn't seem like she want's to be protected....

June 2nd, 2004

Late Night Posts

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Here we go, another night and another session of ranting and raving. It's strange, there are days were I'm glad that I am here, but then there are days that I wish I was somewhere else. I'm sure I'm not the only one to feel that way. I enjoy writing in this journal than I do my real one. Because I know that Jay doesn't read this one. There are days that I wish that Jay would read this one so he can get an insight to how I really feel. But, then there are the days that I am glad he's not aware of it... it's strange, I want him to know and understand me, and yet I don't want him to. Strange, huh. I love Jay and I want to continue my life with Jay, and yet there are night that I find myself wondering how Chris is doing... I want to know if he's ok or if he's happy or in good health. There are times I sit and wonder what life what have been if Chris and I would've still been together. Who's to say that we would've been together right? I don't mean to sound absesive, or crazy. But I guess I still think of him because he was my first. The always say that you'll never be able to forget you'r first. Somehow I feel like Chris has, so why can't I? He said that I was his first, somehow I didn't believe him then, and I sure as hell don't believe him now. I guess I wanted m first to let me be his first. Is that wrong? It's strange, I feel like I've gotten over him, and yet i still look back. Why? I wanna let go, and yet a peice of me still want's to hang on. I'm a lost cause, I know it. There are night's I dream about seeing him, but in reality, I don't know what I would really do if I saw him in real life. I wonder what he looks like. Abby tells me she runs into him from time to time. Last I heard he got his own place. I guess that's a start. I spoke to his mom when I tried to talk to him, that's when she told me that he had his own place. She tried giving me his number, yet I rejected it. Why, I ask again. I really wanted it, but I didn't want to call him and for him to think I'm crazy. Although it still bugs me that I didn't get it. Do I sound ubsesed? It bothers me though, to this day, how the relationship ended. I mean, I remember like it was yesterday. We went out one night and we dropped my sister's off at the bowling alley and we went to go "park." He wanted to have sex, and I didn't want to and he got a little upset. We got into large agument and had my dad pick us up. I broke up with him, then 1 month later he wanted me back. We started dating all over again. I went to summer school that following year, and I guess he was hanging out with different friends, and he completey changed. Senior year started and he did a total 180. He didn't want to be with me and never really told me why, he just babled his reason. Maybe he told me but I was in deniel, I wanted to work it out. I tried to tell him that what ever it was, that I was willing to change. But he wanted none of that. I remember, I cried so much that day, I wanted to die. That was the day that my world fell apart. To this day I'm still picking out shards of glass. Where's the logic? So what do we now..........

I have never talked about what happened in long time. I'm tired in so many ways. I love Jay, I know I do. But they say to move on, you have to let go of the past. I want to but, what do I have to let go of so that I can move on. you think, 3 1/2 years later I would have a clue. My whole life is a bunch of "psycobabble."

May 30th, 2004

Where's my hero?

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Ever stay up late at night wondering when that very special someone is going to save you from you own hell? I don't know, I know that Jay loves me but i don't know how long I'll wait... Its going to be about 3 1/2 years now. I wonder just how long I have to wait. I wanna get my life together and get ready for my adulthood. Somehow I feel he doesn't want to join me just yet, I feel maybe I should give him some time and separate so he can get his mind set.
On other notes, I know deep inside that I let go of Chris. I've come to terms with why I think we didn't make it. In other ways I wish I knew what i did wrong so i can change. Maybe it wasn't me, maybe it was the relationship in general. All I know is i hope that he's ok and happy. I wish no harm to him and I give all my love and blessings on his new life that he's leading, I hope he would do the same for me. I'm happy, I can't recall the last time that I've felt this revelation inside me, I feel new and blessed.
I know that there are days that feel like Jay's not going to be there, but all in all, he loves me and that's all that matters. Even though we have our arguments, I know we're going to make it. You know how I know, we've gone through too many fights where I thought that we really would not make it, but through it all we rose above the ashes. I know he'll be there, I just have to be patient. And that's something I'm not very good at.

May 12th, 2004

(no subject)

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Life's funny when you sit there and look at the big picture. Jay got a raise at work, so hopefully alll the fights that we have about money will calm down. As far as for everything else, we sweapt it under the rug... but not entirely. We both realized that we both turned into people we both didn't like and we both needed to change. So we decided that we'd start all over, you know, fresh. I know he loves me and I know that for sure now. He has too, who the hell would put up with my shit, right.

April 22nd, 2004

1 year later

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Not to much has changed. I'm still with Jay, surprised. I am. I don't know. I guess I don't know how to put my foot down. I love him and I don't want it to end, but you know what they say, you can'thave you'r cake an eat it too. We did talk though about the relationship and what exactly is going to become of it, but he has assured me that he want's to get married to me. I guess that's really all that I needed to hear. The thing is I feel like he's only telling me what I want to hear. But I'm in no hurry, I've learned a lot in the past year, and on of them is to not to push anything.
On a different note. I've been dealing with a lot of past demons, one's that I thoght that I put to rest. I hung out with my mom after work for a drink, and I told her something that I always thought I would keep to myself. I needed her advise... I still haven't gotten over Chris and I feel like it's damping my relationship with Jay. I still think about from time to time. I thought to myself that maybe I was crazy for not getting over him, and I expected my mom to be upset or something like that, but she gave me a hug and told me she knew. I mean, it's been three years and I'm still thinking about him. My mom say's that there is a lot of unanswered questions that I have and I haven't really been able to move on because of that, and you wanna know the scary part, she's right. She says the best way to deal with my demons and to finally put them to rest is to confront them. I would love to do that, but where do I start? I don't know where he lives, or even if he want's to see me again. I do want to see him and talk to him again but terified of the outcome. I know that my mom wants to help, but somehow I feel like that's the wrong way to go about it. I don't want to give him the wrong impression of me. I sure as hell don't want him to get the idea that, well you know. The question I guess is, How do I aproach the situation that is now created for me?
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