April 24th, 2005
December 19th, 2004
There's nothing that I can write that varies much from the last entry. And Jay and I, a never ending battle to get him to settle down. I always seems near the holidays that I come to my senses and realize when is he ever going to commit. This year, I decided to not bring up the subject. I do have to admit, we haven't really gotten into any serious arguments ::as I knock on wood:: We have a dog now, of course, against Jay's wishes. But ask me if I care :) Her name is Jasmine and she's spoiled as hell. As for everything else, it seems to be fine.
As for my little sister Jessica, I rember writing about her pregnacy, but I'm not sure I did now that I think about it. But any ways. She had a girl, and I'm worried about her. My neise, right (did I spell that right?), is beautiful. Her name is Nevaeh, it's Heaven spelt backwords. I just wish the best for her but I'm scared that she's going to have a nuclear melt down. I'm never having kids. I have to get my computer running again, I'm using someone elses and it annoying, I'm tired
July 13th, 2004
June 26th, 2004
But, just when you think that it's all over, he put another test right in front of you. Ann, my godmother since I was 14, she was wild and crazy. My mother and her were best of friends for 9 yrs. It was like she was family. Yesterday, just like anyother day, we were on our way home from work, when my other Godmother, Michelle, called us to see what we were doing. We told her we were going to go grocery shopping, and mom asked what was up. She told us that she heard from third mouth that my Ann was hit by a car and was in a hospital in a coma. We didn't want to believe it so we made a u-turn and hauled ass to Ann's house, to make sure it wasn't true. We got there and banged on the door. No one answered. We then knocked on the neighbors door who told us our worst fears, that she was in the hospital and that she wasn't gonna make it. I felt like I wanted to throw up. My mother then get a call from Michelle, I knew that there was something teribbly wrong when my mother started crying. I knew and scared to hear what she was going to say. She was telling us that she was at Saint Mary's and that she was on a machine, and they were cutting her off at 7:00pm. It was 6:50pm. We were on Forest Hill on our way, the whole way I was just hoping and praying this was on bad dream. I was also hoping that we would make in time to say goodbye. We got there and found out that they were delaying the machines to find out if she was a organ donor. While waiting they let us see her. If I knew that I wouldn't be able to wash the vision from my sight, I don't think I would have went in. I saw her with all these tube going in her mouth and in her arms and legs, and still couldn't belive that this was happening. I broke down in tears and had to walk out because I nearly threw up. A couple minutes later I went back in. I held her lifeless hand and prayed that she waould come back. But I knew it was to late. The docters had already pronounced her clinicly dead at 6:00pm, when two different docters did test's on her brain. They found no brain activity. She was brain dead. All I could do was touch her hand knowing that she was gone and it was killing me. But in the back of mind I knew that she was happy and with her dad and son. I'm still tring to believe that. We stayed with her as long as we could when the docter came in to tell us that organ team was here. We knew that was our time to go. We wanted to be there when the machine was turned off, but they said it wouldn't happen for another four hours because of the operation. I touched her head and hand for the last time. I still can't believe she's gone. But we knew through her misfortune, she would save someone else's life. With left the hospital, only with the memories that she gave us. I don't remember what time I went to bed. I wish that this was all one bad dream, but then when it hit's me I start to cry. What bother's me is how she died and how she was found. Sketter belives that there was foul play, so do I and my mom... but because there is a investigation, there's not much I can say about that. All I know is that my Godmother's death was more than an accedent, and the son of bitch that did this is going to pay.
Through all this, I still remember peices of the poem I wrote her when her son Jeremy died.... I've revised a piece and I didicate this to her...
"Please don't cry, wipe away the tears
shine away the saddness, hide away the fears.
Saddness and sorrow, death in it's own way.
I'm finnaly with my angel in heaven today."
June 10th, 2004
June 3rd, 2004
June 2nd, 2004
Here we go, another night and another session of ranting and raving. It's strange, there are days were I'm glad that I am here, but then there are days that I wish I was somewhere else. I'm sure I'm not the only one to feel that way. I enjoy writing in this journal than I do my real one. Because I know that Jay doesn't read this one. There are days that I wish that Jay would read this one so he can get an insight to how I really feel. But, then there are the days that I am glad he's not aware of it... it's strange, I want him to know and understand me, and yet I don't want him to. Strange, huh. I love Jay and I want to continue my life with Jay, and yet there are night that I find myself wondering how Chris is doing... I want to know if he's ok or if he's happy or in good health. There are times I sit and wonder what life what have been if Chris and I would've still been together. Who's to say that we would've been together right? I don't mean to sound absesive, or crazy. But I guess I still think of him because he was my first. The always say that you'll never be able to forget you'r first. Somehow I feel like Chris has, so why can't I? He said that I was his first, somehow I didn't believe him then, and I sure as hell don't believe him now. I guess I wanted m first to let me be his first. Is that wrong? It's strange, I feel like I've gotten over him, and yet i still look back. Why? I wanna let go, and yet a peice of me still want's to hang on. I'm a lost cause, I know it. There are night's I dream about seeing him, but in reality, I don't know what I would really do if I saw him in real life. I wonder what he looks like. Abby tells me she runs into him from time to time. Last I heard he got his own place. I guess that's a start. I spoke to his mom when I tried to talk to him, that's when she told me that he had his own place. She tried giving me his number, yet I rejected it. Why, I ask again. I really wanted it, but I didn't want to call him and for him to think I'm crazy. Although it still bugs me that I didn't get it. Do I sound ubsesed? It bothers me though, to this day, how the relationship ended. I mean, I remember like it was yesterday. We went out one night and we dropped my sister's off at the bowling alley and we went to go "park." He wanted to have sex, and I didn't want to and he got a little upset. We got into large agument and had my dad pick us up. I broke up with him, then 1 month later he wanted me back. We started dating all over again. I went to summer school that following year, and I guess he was hanging out with different friends, and he completey changed. Senior year started and he did a total 180. He didn't want to be with me and never really told me why, he just babled his reason. Maybe he told me but I was in deniel, I wanted to work it out. I tried to tell him that what ever it was, that I was willing to change. But he wanted none of that. I remember, I cried so much that day, I wanted to die. That was the day that my world fell apart. To this day I'm still picking out shards of glass. Where's the logic? So what do we now..........
I have never talked about what happened in long time. I'm tired in so many ways. I love Jay, I know I do. But they say to move on, you have to let go of the past. I want to but, what do I have to let go of so that I can move on. you think, 3 1/2 years later I would have a clue. My whole life is a bunch of "psycobabble."
May 30th, 2004
On other notes, I know deep inside that I let go of Chris. I've come to terms with why I think we didn't make it. In other ways I wish I knew what i did wrong so i can change. Maybe it wasn't me, maybe it was the relationship in general. All I know is i hope that he's ok and happy. I wish no harm to him and I give all my love and blessings on his new life that he's leading, I hope he would do the same for me. I'm happy, I can't recall the last time that I've felt this revelation inside me, I feel new and blessed.
I know that there are days that feel like Jay's not going to be there, but all in all, he loves me and that's all that matters. Even though we have our arguments, I know we're going to make it. You know how I know, we've gone through too many fights where I thought that we really would not make it, but through it all we rose above the ashes. I know he'll be there, I just have to be patient. And that's something I'm not very good at.
May 12th, 2004
April 22nd, 2004
On a different note. I've been dealing with a lot of past demons, one's that I thoght that I put to rest. I hung out with my mom after work for a drink, and I told her something that I always thought I would keep to myself. I needed her advise... I still haven't gotten over Chris and I feel like it's damping my relationship with Jay. I still think about from time to time. I thought to myself that maybe I was crazy for not getting over him, and I expected my mom to be upset or something like that, but she gave me a hug and told me she knew. I mean, it's been three years and I'm still thinking about him. My mom say's that there is a lot of unanswered questions that I have and I haven't really been able to move on because of that, and you wanna know the scary part, she's right. She says the best way to deal with my demons and to finally put them to rest is to confront them. I would love to do that, but where do I start? I don't know where he lives, or even if he want's to see me again. I do want to see him and talk to him again but terified of the outcome. I know that my mom wants to help, but somehow I feel like that's the wrong way to go about it. I don't want to give him the wrong impression of me. I sure as hell don't want him to get the idea that, well you know. The question I guess is, How do I aproach the situation that is now created for me?