A slow song lingering in my head
It's been almost two weeks since Jay has left. I have to say that I'm doing the best that I can to not pick up the phone and call him. I miss him so damn much that there's really nothing else that I can think about. The only thing that bothers me is I'm afraid he may not come back home. I know that it's for the best. I wish I could just pretend that nothing happened and get on, but I can't. There's not a moment that goes by that I don't think about him and break into tears. I stayed up last night thinking about what he was doing or what he's thinking about. Does he love me? Does he miss me, or does he even plan on comming home with a proposel. I know it's silly to try to hang on to something that was probably never there from him. But, I strongly believe in hope and that love will prevail. But, that dream is slowly diminishing. Each passing day that goes by, a peice of what we had dies inside me. I gues it's my way of dealing with the fact that he never planned on marriage. When I think about it, maybe this was what he was waitng for. The oppertunity to leave the realtionship without feeling guilty of hurting me by hanging on. I guess I can't hate him for that, but maybe thank him. It's been real hard to sleep at night without him. I wake up in the middle of the night looking for him, and of course when I don't find him, I break in tears when I realize he's not there. Maybe I pushed it on him too much. I guess I should blame myself for thinking he would change his mind.