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Hotaru

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January 4th, 2013

Sigh

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It has been a long time since I have written anything in as evident of the 7 years gap. I did get married and things were good for a while. But like with anything, sometimes its not meant to last. I separated from him last year in June and was so set on divorce. Only reason I hadn’t filed was that I did have the money for the filing fee. Now with time and the separation I am at a loss. I miss him so much and yet I was so unhappy with him for the last two years. People change, I changed and he didn't change with me. I'm so confused since I was so set on the divorce. The question that I am now struggling to answer is, if I filed then, would I still feel the same as I do now? Maybe its because I now know the taste of loneliness that I am feeling this way. I do love him and yet I know that what I have done is irrevocable and now I have to live with it. I don’t know, maybe I’m feeling this way because the realization is setting in or maybe I have too many people telling what a mistake I’m making. I don’t know. I was so sure once and now I don’t know.

June 10th, 2006

What's new

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Well, a lot has happened since my last entry. I got a new car (the Chevy HHR) which is my pimp ride. I also got new job that will soon launch me into to an opportunity to have a career. And I will be getting married this August. We haven't decided if we want a big wedding, or just a small exclusive ceremony. But we definitely want to get married. I just can't believe that it's really happening. And to top things off, he made sure he bought me the ring that I wanted. What a man, the reason why I point that out, is because my mother had made a good point that I never realized. If Jay just wanted to marry just to satisfy me, he would have just bought any other ring. But it was so sweet that he had me pick out the ring that I wanted and bought right under my nose. I thought he was just pulling my leg, but he proposed and he even asked my dad for my hand in marriage. He proposed right in front of my family and everything. It was the happiest day of my life!

January 13th, 2006

Blah

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It's been a while, I feel like I'm losing my friends... I haven't kept in touch with anyone like I used to. I fear that I may not have anyone to talk to anymore. The new friends I do have are too wild for me. I'll be starting school in the spring or is it the summer. I don't know anymore, I've been trying to get all my finances in order. I miss my old friends, we have grown so distant. Each having their own life that may not be in common with mine. I am sad and depressed about the whole thing. But I'm learning to deal with it. I guess when I go back to school I'll meet new friends. I've been so scared to go back, I guess it's because I was really never that good at it, but I don't want to be a server for the rest of my life. It's very good money, and I guess I'm comfortable with my income, but it's time for a carrier. I just celebrated my 23rd birthday and now more then ever I fear life. Not all is bad, Jay and I are doing very well. On the 19th we'll be celebrating five years, and he's been actually talking about marriage. I guess hanging out with my niece Nevaeh, made him want the whole family life thing. I just wish I had my friends to talk to. I miss them very much, and if any of you guys read this give me a buzz, 889-9325.


M

September 25th, 2005

(no subject)

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Maria
Bitter : Hebrew


With your charismatic personality and persuasive powers you naturally attract all the good things in life which you could want. Kind, generous and sincere you are a good friend and partner with strong attachments to home and family. You are ambitious and have sound business acumen, this together with a natural love of life ensures that you enjoy success financially and in your relationships.



Hotaru


Very much the individual you have enormous energy and vision and must find a suitable use for your talents. You have great potential for success in business if you can guard against indecision and worry. Your generous nature means that you are never short of friends and with cooperation your relationships can be very rewarding. Perseverance and firm decision making will ensure you achieve your objectives.

Re- stolen from Mitszell by Aerica

(no subject)

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It's been a long time since I've written anything, but not much has changed. Jay and I are doing well and I'll be starting school again soon. I realized there is so much that I need to get done but not enough time to do it in. I'm glad that I'm going back to school, it took e a while to realize what it was that I wanted to do. After all that, I've finally realized what I wanted to do. I have decided to become a nurse. Hopefully it'll be a carer that I'll be happy doing. I'm excited and scared at the same time. Jay has 100% support for me, he's even taking over the full rent to help relieve stress for me. He's so silly, I finally got him to get out of the house on the weekends, that he joined a band. I like doing my scrap booking on the weekends and I like to have the house to myself when I do it( you know that zen moment) because he sometimes gets in the way. He'll have the TV blaring and I can't listen to my music when I'm doing my crafts. So, he got with a few guys at work and now they practice every weekend. It's been a long time since Jay has "hung out with the guys". I'm happy for him, and I see that it has relieved a lot of stress between the both of us. I believe that's why we're getting along so much better. Now with me starting school, I've realized that I want to take one thing at a time and I want to take my time even more about the choice of marriage. I now want to wait till I'm done with school. But, who knows and that's a decision a long ways from now. My whole perspective on the whole topic has changed, to where I may not want to get married for a while now. Right now, my whole focus is on school. Right now things are great the way they are and I don't want to push any more than that.

June 24th, 2005

SSDD

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Why don't I ever learn. Jay came back, he wants to try to work it out. He says that he wants to give us another year and wants to work it out. I said ok. We talked for hours on what we both needed to do and what we should work on to make things better. We decided to do something spontanious and went to Busch Gardens on Memorial Day. We had a great time. Almost like a mini vaction. We're going to NY in July. I'm excited, I've never been anywhere up North, let alone ever been on a vaction with out my family. We're going up to see his family. Mostly upstate, near Bimington. We're going camping and canoeing. Maybe that's what we need. We work so much and we really never got a good vacation. I'm most defenent that this trip will relieve a lot of stress, I hope...

May 13th, 2005

Slowly Moving on...

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It's now offically 3 weeks since Jay and I broke up. I'm doing ok. Of course I would be lying if I said that I don't cry when I think aout him. The single life is very slowly coming into focus, but for starters, I met someone. More like someone actully aproched me. It was pretty cool. Every Thursday night we go to karaoke, and I guess he's been going for a while. He came up to me and we talked. He said that I sang very well. We had a lot in common. He said that he's been going for only two months and the only reason he's been going was to see me, and I guess he finnaly work the nerve to talk to me. I was very flatterd. I haven't had anyone chase me in a long time. He's a part time dj he says. He wanted to get to knoe me and take out to dinner one night. I said sure, of course when I get know him better. He gave me his number, I've never had guy give his number unless I gave him mine. It was pretty cool. But of course I'm still cautious. Yet, in the back of my mind, Jay still lingers. I'm sure it'll be a long time untill I can honestly say I moved on. And still, I hang on to very small microscopic almost not even there hope, that maybe he'll come back. I know we're done and we'll never get back together, yet I still have hope. Is that stupid of me? I guess I'm a deep down day dreaming romantic. I still have'nt come to turms with reality. I guess I don't want to lose my self just yet.

May 4th, 2005

Another night alone....

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Don't your ever get those nights where you feel like you wish you never existed. I'm having one of those nights. At time's I'm happy I'm here, but I'm so over the bullshit. I'm regreting sending Jay out the door. I don't know just how much longer I can bare without him. I feel like I'm about to go crazy. I thought I was over crying, who am I kidding. How long can I take this pain. At moments, I get so mad that I just want to date someone just to move on, but I know I'm not ready. I'm far from it. I want him home so bad, it's killing me. I'm trying to stand my ground, but it's so hard. I miss his smell, I miss his voice. Most of all I miss his touch. I want to feel him so bad. His face, his hair, his body. I miss all of him so much. I probably sound crazy, but I just don't know how much more of this I can take. When is he comming home? Is he ever comming home? Does he miss me? I'm so tired I just want to fall in the deepist part of the universe and disapear. What more can I say or do to move on. I keep telling myself that he's not comming back. But, my mother's voice keeps repeating that he'll back in two months. I want to believe her so bad. But come on, who we kiddin here? I know he's not comming back. The light of hope in me is dying faster than I want it to, but there's nothing to feed it alive. What hope do I have if I'm still going to sleep by myself, without the one I love next to me. All the while I wonder, does he still love me? Only time will tell.....

May 2nd, 2005

It's been almost two weeks since Jay has left. I have to say that I'm doing the best that I can to not pick up the phone and call him. I miss him so damn much that there's really nothing else that I can think about. The only thing that bothers me is I'm afraid he may not come back home. I know that it's for the best. I wish I could just pretend that nothing happened and get on, but I can't. There's not a moment that goes by that I don't think about him and break into tears. I stayed up last night thinking about what he was doing or what he's thinking about. Does he love me? Does he miss me, or does he even plan on comming home with a proposel. I know it's silly to try to hang on to something that was probably never there from him. But, I strongly believe in hope and that love will prevail. But, that dream is slowly diminishing. Each passing day that goes by, a peice of what we had dies inside me. I gues it's my way of dealing with the fact that he never planned on marriage. When I think about it, maybe this was what he was waitng for. The oppertunity to leave the realtionship without feeling guilty of hurting me by hanging on. I guess I can't hate him for that, but maybe thank him. It's been real hard to sleep at night without him. I wake up in the middle of the night looking for him, and of course when I don't find him, I break in tears when I realize he's not there. Maybe I pushed it on him too much. I guess I should blame myself for thinking he would change his mind.

April 29th, 2005

(no subject)

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He finnaly droped of the house key. I guess he was never really into me. Yes it hurts, but I have no more tears for crying. He never came to pick up the headboard or the dresser, I may sell it at a garage sale. I doubt that we'll never date each other again. I'm so tired. I'm trying not to read into anything, but I just can't beleive that he would give up on a 4yr relationship.
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